Thursday, April 27, 2017

death isn't real

Occasionally, I'll scroll through my text messages and find myself wondering where time went. I don't text much. I don't have friends with whom I hang, so my life is rather centered around my kids and wife. I have a couple childhood friends whom I have done a better job of being in touch since my youngest was born.
One is divorced, while the other has been very ill much of the last 20 years. I love them in a way I can't explain. I was mildly obsessed with them when I was 7, so I was too young to have adult love ruin things (read Warhol's philosophy to get my meaning).
I'm not sure I'll see either anytime soon. I'm afraid my ill friend doesn't have much longer for this world. I'm probably feeling guilty for not seeing her since 2002 or so.  She had moved back with her parents, I guess she wasn't well enough to support herself but no where near the sort of ill she has been. I used to worry about her while in college. She took advantage of he good days and made one forget how truly ill she was. She explained to me that she wasn't well so she had to do whatever she could physically do to enjoy life. She drank a lot. She hung out a lot with people who went by their street names enough that no one knew their real names.
She isn't overtly expressive about her health like my father was, so I have that feeling that she's in worse shape than my dad was. My dad told people he was dying, which gets tiresome after a while.
I couldn't really do much for my dad as he was on his death bed. He wasn't aware of anything.
There's a certian peace one emits when one's aware of the reality of a bad day potentially turning worse quick and beyond the point of return. No. I'm sure my friend is "fine" in terms of being less assertive in my life. If she wanted me to come see her, well it would be bad. She hasn't felt well enough to truly call on the phone, so her wanting to talk to me would be a sign of getting her loose ends tied.
I hate not being able to do anything but drop words her way. We're not the same people we were. She's always given me that weird feeling of helplessness.
Anyways, I hadn't heard from her since Xmas. I saw on FB that she was still active, but a post from March filled in that she'd not been well since Xmas. I'm not friends with her on FB. I'd probably say something wrong because our politics aren't exactly the sorts that mesh. There's other matters that seem to be jarring, but only because I'm selfish and other failings of that variety.
Given my incidental stalking, I expressed in a text something wellmeaning. She replied in a way that makes me feel warm and sad. I shouldn't be crying as I type, but it was one of those replies that cannot be repeated without tears.

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