Thursday, April 27, 2017

death isn't real

Occasionally, I'll scroll through my text messages and find myself wondering where time went. I don't text much. I don't have friends with whom I hang, so my life is rather centered around my kids and wife. I have a couple childhood friends whom I have done a better job of being in touch since my youngest was born.
One is divorced, while the other has been very ill much of the last 20 years. I love them in a way I can't explain. I was mildly obsessed with them when I was 7, so I was too young to have adult love ruin things (read Warhol's philosophy to get my meaning).
I'm not sure I'll see either anytime soon. I'm afraid my ill friend doesn't have much longer for this world. I'm probably feeling guilty for not seeing her since 2002 or so.  She had moved back with her parents, I guess she wasn't well enough to support herself but no where near the sort of ill she has been. I used to worry about her while in college. She took advantage of he good days and made one forget how truly ill she was. She explained to me that she wasn't well so she had to do whatever she could physically do to enjoy life. She drank a lot. She hung out a lot with people who went by their street names enough that no one knew their real names.
She isn't overtly expressive about her health like my father was, so I have that feeling that she's in worse shape than my dad was. My dad told people he was dying, which gets tiresome after a while.
I couldn't really do much for my dad as he was on his death bed. He wasn't aware of anything.
There's a certian peace one emits when one's aware of the reality of a bad day potentially turning worse quick and beyond the point of return. No. I'm sure my friend is "fine" in terms of being less assertive in my life. If she wanted me to come see her, well it would be bad. She hasn't felt well enough to truly call on the phone, so her wanting to talk to me would be a sign of getting her loose ends tied.
I hate not being able to do anything but drop words her way. We're not the same people we were. She's always given me that weird feeling of helplessness.
Anyways, I hadn't heard from her since Xmas. I saw on FB that she was still active, but a post from March filled in that she'd not been well since Xmas. I'm not friends with her on FB. I'd probably say something wrong because our politics aren't exactly the sorts that mesh. There's other matters that seem to be jarring, but only because I'm selfish and other failings of that variety.
Given my incidental stalking, I expressed in a text something wellmeaning. She replied in a way that makes me feel warm and sad. I shouldn't be crying as I type, but it was one of those replies that cannot be repeated without tears.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

promotions aren't real

My carpal tunnel decided to remind me that I hate my hands and my limbs attached to them. I unloaded 3 days last week. I have been unloading a bit more ever since April started. Our team lead quit, and he hadn't had me unload since January or early February when the newer handlers started.
Though I drive a little for a bulk pickup/shuttle run before my package handling and don't set up, I was officially named team lead on Tuesday. No pay raise, just a layer of responsibility into which I'm wading my toes. I want to be fair, so delegating has been hard. I want to give everyone a chance to have variety and exposure to other parts of the handling but the "new" people haven't really progressed to have my confidence after 3 months.
I lie. 1 of the 4, I have complete confidence. His dad is a courier, and his brother is the team lead who quit. He's young but treats the job like a lifer would. Only one of the other three has a lifer mentality Her husband works in the morning and is a lifer, but she has health issues that make her unreliable. She had brain cancer a while ago, so she seems to have brain issues that makes her to have quirks.
My other handlers are totally opposites. A college kid who was in my son's BSA troop, who is smaller than my son. I expect him gone after summer when he starts taking evening classes. The other guy is 25, over 6' and 200lbs. He just got a second job, so who knows how long he'll stick around to be a handler.
I hate my team.

Monday, April 17, 2017

Holidays aren't real.

Easter always bothered me as a holiday. Christians celebrate the horrific death of Jesus Christ. Where does a bunny with painted eggs fit in? The fact that Easter never consistently has the same date explains a lot about the holiday being fake.
Fake is a harsh term for pagan, but pagan is a harsh term for fake.
Anything relating to full moons and spring equinox sounds very pagan... and that's how Easter is determined each year. I could be lying, because I never actually looked up why Easter is always a different date. I think I heard it in college by a guy who taught my international studies class on Western Europe. I think his name was Mr. Martin, but I forget. He showed foreign films and gave his class extra credit if we attended a couple French films. Tough class, so I did every extra credit thing I could do... even attended a military history lecture that was meant for a ROTC audience.
I really liked college at times. I'm not sure I needed college, but I got a lot out of it beyond a career.
Not sure how my kids will go to college, but I imagine they'll go. I highly doubt they'll ever go to church, but I wouldn't be bothered. Their mother never went to church and she's a decent person. She may be anti-social in the sense she has no desire to have friends over the house or to hang out with non-relatives. She's a good mom. Kids love her almost as much as I do. We have good kids, at least, they mean well or don't try to be evil.
This Easter, dinner was at our house. My mom and my wife's parents, grandmother and sister's family all came over. I never envisioned being such a person to have family over, but it happens more often than I can keep track. I have 3 kids with 3 separate birthdays, unlike my sister inlaw who only has two boys who share a birthday. I seem to eat a lot of pie and cake since we tend to get more leftovers than the rest whenever we host family gatherings. I really hate to see good food go to waste.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Weekends aren't real.

I've had weekends off ever since I quit the car wash. I enjoy not working weekends, but I get the full 48-hour contact with my family.
I really don't see my wife during the week. I wake up when she leaves for work. I leave for work while she's driving home from work. I get home after she's gotten the girls in bed.
When I do see her, she complains a lot. I really don't feel like doing much. I'm a walking bruise at the moment.
She knows I get sleep now, but I don't think she appreciates the boxes and such I move throughout the week that leave a mark. Being in tight quarters and working fast with boxes of every size is a workout. Not hard to do, but hard on the body after a work week.
We got a playhouse kit rather than go by the the blue prints that have you buy lumber and build from scratch. The kit was way cheaper and less annoying to gather given the materials list wasn't easy to complete from the websites of the lumber stores.
My father inlaw was excited. He likes woodworking, so he was delighted to help put our girls' kit house together, though I really didn't need any help.
Our Saturday was spent around the inlaws coming over and such. The playhouse got mostly together, but it was dark before it was complete.
Today I woke up  I had a few things to do. After finishing the dishes, I  ate breakfast then completed the playhouse. I went to Sam's and Harbor Freight. Got a tarp at the latter to cover the playhouse. I also got a solar powered security light. I have a shed that is 16'x10' which gets lacks electricity, so I wired the light to be inside.
I spend a lot of time on my phone looking at news. Baseball season started, so I have that habit as well. Next weekend is Easter, so we'll have people over again, blah.
I need to do a number of things. Just need to focus on the priorities and let everything else sort it self out.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Weeks aren't real

Not sure where time goes, but I lack the ability to manage mine well. Something about having children makes life seem meaningful, yet utterly chaotic.
I lie. I have it easy. I rarely see my kids these days, it seems. I sleep more, but I work shortly after they get home from school and get home shortly after they go to bed.
My youngest has speech twice a week and afternoon pre-school Monday through Thursday. My free time is relative to what I can do with her home and what needs to be done and/or what I feel like doing when she's at school.
Today, I got the tires rotates on the Passat. I don't drive it much now that my work schedule overlaps with that of my wife, Jennifer. I also work a whopping mile away from work... almost walking distance.
While I was getting the tires rotates my son called from school. He had a a headache and needed me to bring him some Tylenol. I was very lucky that I was about to get my keys back from the tire people. I was also lucky that I had time to get home to wait for the bus as well, given my detour to my son's school.
I have a lot of chaos in my life in that I fail to complete things... or start things. I ceased having goals, so I just need to get my system in order and proceed slowly towards succeeding in getting shit done. I swear a lot now that I work ina warehouse around people that swear a lot.
I started going to the YMCA to run/walk around the gym. I need to get my body active, for it seems the lack of such has sped up time. Nothing about running seems fast when you are the one running. Time stands still in that you are stuck on a lap until it's finished... finishing doesn't end quickly enough. At least, I don't think so.
I didn't go to the gym today. I felt meh. I'm a little battered from unloading trucks.
Week is almost over, yet I have so much I need to do... namely, my city income taxes.
I have an orthodontist appt in the morning. I'm also expecting a delivery, which I should be home to receive... I might not be able to go to the gym if my delivery isn't delivered by 1pm. So I will be lacking the illusion of freewill, which means I must do something as a compromise.