Fates worse than death

I found myself bored tonight. I was going to blog, but my ASUS tablet was at 13% charge. I thought about what else I could do, so I thought of reading Dale Carnegie for the umpteenth time, but I notice Timequake beside it and thought how I haven't read it in a very long time.
As my ASUS tablet charged, I read Vonnegut's tired piece of work. I got to chapter 15 or page 52 for those that don't have a copy handy.
I think I own a few Vonnegut Books, but I know I own Timequake and Slaughterhouse Five. The latter I bought with a giftcard from my grandmother, I think. I don't buy books unless I have little choice. I like books, but I don't believe in buying them. Timequake was a present for X-mas back in '97 from my parents.
I have read Slaughterhouse Five numerous times. I have gotten something new from it after each reading, it seems.
I actually told a co-worker this aspect of book ownership on Friday. He's into Dave Ramsey, so I may have been too abstract in my explanation for him to read a book over time and get different meaning as life lived gives fuller context into the previously ignored words.
There are maybe a handfull of books I have read numerous times because they mean something to me enough to read multiple times... plus I own them, thus can re-read them accordingly.

• How to win Friends and Influence Others 
• Slaughterhouse Five
• The Philosophy of Andy Warhol, from A to B and back Again
• Freakonomics

I'm not a fan of Dave Ramsey. He seems to be like a pastor at The Vineyard where my former friend Mara once took me. John Lieb talked a lot, but all I heard was how he found Nietzche depressing so he never read him, yet knew enough to condemn his writings as an explanation for his death/insanity. Mr. Lieb also said stuff about money and how those new to the Vineyard were welcome guests, but those regulars were expected to pony up. I could be exaggerating, but I took notes, so I highly doubt the hyperbole end of my thinking.

Anyways, Dave Ramsey seems to mean well, but he's mostly hocking books for people to buy to make HIM RICH, just like John Lieb seemed to mean well, but he was hocking religion just so he could live well.

I'm a Clark Howard sort of guy, so I find anyone selling anything I can get for free as being a scamster.

I mentioned that I have quite a few other blogs. I actually added content to some of them this past week:

• Parenting Not From Concentrate - As a father of 3, I do things as a father that may be seen as good or bad things. Here I try to relate my life as a father.
• Reasons to Vote in 2016 - I am glad that Hillary Clinton was the biggest loser in '16.
• Bring Back the Fritos Chili Cheese Steakburger -  I miss eating my favorite meal. This blog is dedicated to the memory of the Fritos Chili Cheese Steakburger, and my search for a meal to replace it as my favorite.
• Job Search Not From Concentrate - I lost a job once, unexpectedly. Having an eye on the open job market is a good idea, for no job is ever 100% secure, in my opinion.

The thing about blogging that I find most interesting is that I change after time, so the  previous blog posts seem almost foreign after a while due to my context of life changing.

3 million

I should crop it, but meh, here's a screenshot of my stats from the original blog.



Yes, it says over 3 million page views. The AdSense balance has stayed at $10.71 for the last couple years, so I'm not sure what the traffic is doing. I blame the Russians and other foreign entities  for running bots to mess up the numbers, for I know no one is really reading my blog that's semi-abandoned.
I forced myself to blog daily once upon a time. It was stuff I saw from an article that listed stuff. Almost like my Dylblog, I had something which I was reacting...  but most of the time it was like a Diaryland thing or a meh about articles or news of the day. I had blogs about my family life and my work life but those matters were there as well.
I think I mentioned that I wanted my blogs to be more themed. This one is about my current mood of thought on a weekly check-in. I don't have a theme beyond it's less spastic than the original.
"Fake" actually seems to be a theme here.  The branding of blogs as being themed comes from Breitbart. I think there were a few like Big Hollywood and such that mocked the importance of things.
The weekly blog is self reflecting a lot of late.
I'm thinking of reviving all of my blogs as departments of my essence, rather than be confined to brain farts here, I'll summarize the week's posts from Dyland or link to them.
I'll have to create a list and have a summary of what each blog is about... like an annotated directory page. I like abandoning stuff, but I also need to improve upon  my hobbies.
Wait, did I just say I like abandoning stuff? I mean, I like leaving stuff as though I was done with it. Much like a novel, things get shelved as being complete. Blogs are weird in that only a drama queen would declare a blog complete, it seems... may be I'm just being silly.
I have bipolar disorder. My brain doesn't work like most people's,  I guess. That said, I have clutter than needs situated. Once I get situated I may be able to proceed and complete something worthwhile rather than piece mealing half thoughts and full meanderings.

hobbies aren't real

I look forward to dying, for by then I can look back and remember all the good things and not worry about my short fallings.
I'm not goal oriented. I just take a day at a time with a desire for something that meets my whimsy. Usually, I'm too busy or tired for whimsy. By busy, I mean looking at my phone. UK Daily Mail is probably borderline fake news.  I wonder if I could give it up like I gave up Twitter.
I abstained from following hockey throughout the regular season. I loved watching hockey, but now I have no idea when games are played. NBA is an after thought, though I was keen on the Celts during middle school.
Steelers are hard to avoid after week 8, but I ignored them  a good chunk before the playoffs.
Baseball has been meh. I endured 20 losing seasons, then got a winning season that fizzled. Not been so keen this year because of roster and injuries.
Would be nice to give up on fake hobbies that accomplish nothing for me personally.
Sure I remember the night I kept a bar open way past closing as I watched my Pens lose in 5OT. I don't recall the game much...for I was pretty drunk. I think it was a Thursday, so it was a good drunk from bottled beer as opposed to Wednesday's cheap $2 mugs of Miller Lite, or Friday's cheap pitchers of Miller Lite when pitchers started at $2.25 and went up every hour by either .25 or .50.
I always finished my first pitcher before the first hour, hence my fuzzy recollection of something I never bought. Binge drinking was a hobby, I guess. I don't drink now, but then again it would be weird to drink beer when my wife doesn't. She doesn't drink coffee, but that doesn't stop me from drinking a few pots of coffee a day.
I might have a coffee problem, actually. There are worse things.
I look forward to the day I have the best cup of coffee. I drink cheap stuff, so better stuff has to exist. I have yet to have the courage to find it. I have coffee problem as it is with the Maxwell House. Best coffee I ever had tasted so good that I think I had to pee a few hours from all of the refills.

Stats aren't real

I've no idea why my stats say the things they do for this blog. 

I had a bad weekend to end the month of April. I just assume forget it, or at least a part that I won't share with my wife since she feels it's necessary to not share details with me regarding most things.

She doesn't worry about the things I worry. Ignorance is bliss.

Would be nice to be debt free, but she doesn't care about how much we have, so she spends on what she feels we need. 

I look forward to death. Debt won't follow me there, yet I feel like it's sending me to an early grave. 

Treadmill of spending is the way I view my wife's perspective. She makes more, so she spends more, regardless of her salary not keeping up with the cost of living.

I don't regret having three kids. I just regret not having more money.

A guy I know has a gofundme page set up for his daughter's junior olympics bid. Nevermind that the guy sells houses and seems to have money to spend on himself. 

Gofundme is littered with sad stories, and his just seems sad to be bunched into the same realm as those sadder ones. If I were shameless, I'd have a gofundme page to help with the various costs that would be nice to have someone else pay.

My Samsung washing machine is hardly 4 years old and has never acted well since we had it past 90 days. Would be nice to replace it, but we spent $600 on it and a new one costs just as much. I will never buy another Samsung product.

I went to HH Gregg to see if they had anything, but they were picked over. 

Sad when stores go out of business. 

Have I mentioned that I've been remodelling the main bath? My mom offered to pay for someone to do it but of the 6 places I contacted, on 2 got back to me and they both said they were too busy to take my money. I just don't have the motivation to do it all in a timely manner given I work and my wife doesn't let me have time to do anything the way I want to do it.

death isn't real

Occasionally, I'll scroll through my text messages and find myself wondering where time went. I don't text much. I don't have friends with whom I hang, so my life is rather centered around my kids and wife. I have a couple childhood friends whom I have done a better job of being in touch since my youngest was born.
One is divorced, while the other has been very ill much of the last 20 years. I love them in a way I can't explain. I was mildly obsessed with them when I was 7, so I was too young to have adult love ruin things (read Warhol's philosophy to get my meaning).
I'm not sure I'll see either anytime soon. I'm afraid my ill friend doesn't have much longer for this world. I'm probably feeling guilty for not seeing her since 2002 or so.  She had moved back with her parents, I guess she wasn't well enough to support herself but no where near the sort of ill she has been. I used to worry about her while in college. She took advantage of he good days and made one forget how truly ill she was. She explained to me that she wasn't well so she had to do whatever she could physically do to enjoy life. She drank a lot. She hung out a lot with people who went by their street names enough that no one knew their real names.
She isn't overtly expressive about her health like my father was, so I have that feeling that she's in worse shape than my dad was. My dad told people he was dying, which gets tiresome after a while.
I couldn't really do much for my dad as he was on his death bed. He wasn't aware of anything.
There's a certian peace one emits when one's aware of the reality of a bad day potentially turning worse quick and beyond the point of return. No. I'm sure my friend is "fine" in terms of being less assertive in my life. If she wanted me to come see her, well it would be bad. She hasn't felt well enough to truly call on the phone, so her wanting to talk to me would be a sign of getting her loose ends tied.
I hate not being able to do anything but drop words her way. We're not the same people we were. She's always given me that weird feeling of helplessness.
Anyways, I hadn't heard from her since Xmas. I saw on FB that she was still active, but a post from March filled in that she'd not been well since Xmas. I'm not friends with her on FB. I'd probably say something wrong because our politics aren't exactly the sorts that mesh. There's other matters that seem to be jarring, but only because I'm selfish and other failings of that variety.
Given my incidental stalking, I expressed in a text something wellmeaning. She replied in a way that makes me feel warm and sad. I shouldn't be crying as I type, but it was one of those replies that cannot be repeated without tears.

promotions aren't real

My carpal tunnel decided to remind me that I hate my hands and my limbs attached to them. I unloaded 3 days last week. I have been unloading a bit more ever since April started. Our team lead quit, and he hadn't had me unload since January or early February when the newer handlers started.
Though I drive a little for a bulk pickup/shuttle run before my package handling and don't set up, I was officially named team lead on Tuesday. No pay raise, just a layer of responsibility into which I'm wading my toes. I want to be fair, so delegating has been hard. I want to give everyone a chance to have variety and exposure to other parts of the handling but the "new" people haven't really progressed to have my confidence after 3 months.
I lie. 1 of the 4, I have complete confidence. His dad is a courier, and his brother is the team lead who quit. He's young but treats the job like a lifer would. Only one of the other three has a lifer mentality Her husband works in the morning and is a lifer, but she has health issues that make her unreliable. She had brain cancer a while ago, so she seems to have brain issues that makes her to have quirks.
My other handlers are totally opposites. A college kid who was in my son's BSA troop, who is smaller than my son. I expect him gone after summer when he starts taking evening classes. The other guy is 25, over 6' and 200lbs. He just got a second job, so who knows how long he'll stick around to be a handler.
I hate my team.

Holidays aren't real.

Easter always bothered me as a holiday. Christians celebrate the horrific death of Jesus Christ. Where does a bunny with painted eggs fit in? The fact that Easter never consistently has the same date explains a lot about the holiday being fake.
Fake is a harsh term for pagan, but pagan is a harsh term for fake.
Anything relating to full moons and spring equinox sounds very pagan... and that's how Easter is determined each year. I could be lying, because I never actually looked up why Easter is always a different date. I think I heard it in college by a guy who taught my international studies class on Western Europe. I think his name was Mr. Martin, but I forget. He showed foreign films and gave his class extra credit if we attended a couple French films. Tough class, so I did every extra credit thing I could do... even attended a military history lecture that was meant for a ROTC audience.
I really liked college at times. I'm not sure I needed college, but I got a lot out of it beyond a career.
Not sure how my kids will go to college, but I imagine they'll go. I highly doubt they'll ever go to church, but I wouldn't be bothered. Their mother never went to church and she's a decent person. She may be anti-social in the sense she has no desire to have friends over the house or to hang out with non-relatives. She's a good mom. Kids love her almost as much as I do. We have good kids, at least, they mean well or don't try to be evil.
This Easter, dinner was at our house. My mom and my wife's parents, grandmother and sister's family all came over. I never envisioned being such a person to have family over, but it happens more often than I can keep track. I have 3 kids with 3 separate birthdays, unlike my sister inlaw who only has two boys who share a birthday. I seem to eat a lot of pie and cake since we tend to get more leftovers than the rest whenever we host family gatherings. I really hate to see good food go to waste.